In the midst of all the intensely bad,video game parody sex games unpredictable, and endless days of 2017, there remains one reliable, universal constant: animals will get in trouble with the police and it will always be very thrilling.
From the "Brooklyn cow" who captivated our hearts to "stuck raccoon" and every huge lost hog in between, the year has been full of animals behaving badly.
Let these stories be a reminder to you: stay vigilant. The animals are getting smarter, and learning how to do more crimes every day.
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Join me, won't you, on this look back at the best animal crimes of the year.
1. Public Group Shitting: This flock of 70 turkeys in Oregon
Wild Tom Turkey, head shot, against a smooth dark background; Shutterstock ID 108289037; Project Name: ; Requested By: ; Client/Licensee: Credit: Shutterstock / Tom Reichner If you have not yet had the pleasure of researching this mob of turkeys who take huge dumps everywhere, please find the time. Pilot Rock, Oregon has roughly one turkey for every 22 residents, and those residents are desperate to get rid of them. Why? Because they eat everything and they poop all over the cars.
"No matter what we do, we're never going to get rid of all of them," said one official, as the sky darkened and a thunderous gobble rose in the distance.
2. Felony Reckless Evading: This bull in Brooklyn
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The 650-pound Prospect Park Cow-Who-Turned-Out-To-Be-A-Bull captured the attention of roughly 15,000 media outlets this October, and for good reason: he escaped a slaughterhouse and had a beautiful Harrison Bergeron-esque public expression of his freedom. He did this, of course, by trotting around Prospect Park.
The bull's lawless actions drew the attention of the lawman, and he was eventually rounded up by the police. There was a better ending for this heroic giant, though. The bull is currently living in a New Jersey sanctuary and was described by officials there as a "wild man."
3. Joyriding/Unlawful Pooping In A Car: This bear from Colorado
Hello!; Shutterstock ID 87645991 Credit: Shutterstock / Kachalkina Veronika For all the distressing moments of this year, the following sentence IS true. At some point a large adult bear broke into a human car, put that car in neutral, crashed that car, and then pooped in it before disappearing into the night.
4. Arson: This tortoise named Bits
Giant Seychelles tortoise gazing in Vanille Reserve park. (Mauritius); Shutterstock ID 438013090 Credit: Shutterstock / Liz Glasco Arson is very wrong, but naming your tortoise Bits is very right, which means there's no morally "correct" take on this case. The details, however, are as follows. A tortoise (Bits) knocked over its warming lamp (in a fit of rage) and started a fire that spread to a neighboring home. This fire caused roughly $150,000 in damage.
Turtles are doing arson now, and we must not allow this to become normal.
5. Loitering/Trespassing: This huge friggin' hog from Alabama
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Reports of a big ass hog loose in an Alabama town SHOCKED the people who pay attention to that kind of thing back in October. Why? Because this hog was BIG, folks.
Look at this thing!
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Hogs like this are not meant for the suburbs, folks. And YET?? Here they are. Wake up.
6. Illegal Tampering With Sewer: This raccoon
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I, for one, have been saying for years that the raccoons are planning something and they are doing it in our sewer system. This one in Illinois just happened to get caught red handed.
Stay the HELL out of our sewers, raccoons, or meet the swift, forceful boot of the law.
7. Disorderly Conduct/Indecent Exposure: This big iguana
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Thank God police were able to arrest this Florida lizard before he did a bunch of lizard stuff. We aren't sure what he was doing, exactly, but he is an iguana and the police arrested him.
8. Shoplifting: This bird
Seagull's steal a lot -- they are the criminals of the sky -- everyone knows this. But now they are stealing from our BUSINESSES. This seagull Inside Jobhappened in England this September and I haven't stopped calling the local precinct to see what they plan to do about it since.
9. Breaking and Not Entering: This goat
Colorado office workers assumed their workplace had been burgled, only to find upon security camera inspection that some anarchist goat did it out of a hate for capitalism.
10. Attempted Murder: This tiny dog with a knife named Charlie
This dog Charlie came after his owner with a KNIFE.
11. Mail Tampering: This bastard crow Canuck
Canuck the Canadian crow might have almost 100,000 Facebook fans, but he reportedly stopped a handful of people from receiving their mail for months after repeatedly attacking a postal worker.
Also, why is he holding nails here? What the HELL is going on with the animals?