Warning: this post contains spoilers for The shy teen girlfriend pimped for money sex videosShallows, a movie you can pretty much determine the outcome of from the trailer.
The Shallowsis a tale of profound confusion.
For an hour and a half, Blake Lively evades a vicious shark with only a passing understanding of typical human behavior. Nothing makes sense, and yet everything is predictable. Here are our deep questions.
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SEE ALSO: Presenting that Blake Lively shark attack movie you've been waiting for
We will refer to Blake Lively's character, medical school dropout Nancy Adams, as Blake Lively in this post because there is no pretending that The Shallowsis anything other than that Blake Lively shark attack movie.
1. How is there so much blood?
During Blake Lively's first encounter with a shark, it bites her leg. It's a brutal injury, but that does not explain why the entire ocean is suddenly bright red. Blake Lively is not like you and I, certainly, but famous people do not have more blood than non-famous people -- it's one of of the universe's few equalizers.
2. Why did she wear so much jewelry to go surfing?
The Shallowspresents Blake Lively's decision to wear large earrings to go surfing as a life-saving foresight. Obviously she knew she would have to perform emergency surgery on herself!
Via Giphy3. How does Blake Lively have perfect cell phone service?
Early on in the movie, Blake Lively takes out her phone and looks at pictures of her mom -- exactly three pictures that tell you everything you need to know to contextualize Blake Lively's decision to quit med school and go surfing alone. Blake Lively's mom used to surf at that specific location, she gave birth to Blake Lively and then she fought a losing battle with cancer.
To cement the Nicholas Sparks storyline, Blake Lively places a video call to her kid sister back home without even a second of buffering, despite the fact that she is in a very remote location.
4. What did Blake Lively think would happen when she asked a shark, "Where are you taking me?"
She was on a whale corpse when she posed the question just to paint a picture.
5. Are sharks total Blairs?
Via GiphyThe commanding threat of a shark in a part of the ocean that does not normally have sharks as soon as Blake Lively shows up smacks of a Gossip Girlrevenge plot. Leighton Meester was the series' clear gem, and yet, Lively's had a significantly more high profile career.
6. How are Blake Lively's boobs completely unscathed?
The ocean is not kind to Blake Lively in The Shallows-- she is burned, bruised, slashed open and infected. But nothing ever happens to her boobs. Not even a cut! While I certainly do not wish any harm on Blake Lively's boobs, I do not understand how they survived without even a scratch.
7. Why do birds listen when Blake Lively speaks?
The breakout star of The Shallowsis Steven Seagull -- a nice little joke for any of the cinephiles checking out The Shallows. It is a seagull that dislocates its wing and, thus, has no choice but to remain in Blake Lively's company. She talks to the seagull, and it listens for some reason, obeying her commands like a dog.
Via Giphy8. How did the shark catch on fire and not get burned?
Yeah, the shark jumps up into the air in flames at one point. That happens.
9. Why wasn't her leg amputated?
Look, unlike Blake Lively, I do not have a partial medical degree, but I'm pretty sure that when a shark bites your leg open and your lower extremities are ravaged by gangrene, it causes more damage than just a scar. And yet, a year later, Blake Lively's legs are totally fine, except for a scar that shows she's deep.
10. Where are there clean beaches in Galveston?
Galveston, TX is not known for its clear waters, but somehow, Blake Lively's family visits beaches just off the Port of Houston that aren't full of trash in the film's warm and fuzzy send off. It would be great to know where those idyllic locations are so non-Blake Lively residents of the Gulf Coast can also enjoy them.
11. Why aren't there already ten sequels planned?
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