By now,"eroticizing rape" "anime" you've probably read allthe headlines and maybe even a few news stories about Jeff Bezos stepping down from his throne as CEO of Amazon to serve as its executive chairman instead.
Bezos released a letter explaining the move that I retained absolutely none of — mostly because I got bored halfway through. In it, he mentions that as executive chair, he'll "stay engaged in important Amazon initiatives" and intends "to focus [his] energies and attention on new products and early initiatives."
Of course, he left out the only tidbit of information I was interested in; the reason I read the letter to begin with: an explanation as to whyhe decided to make the switch.
But have no fear because that's what social media is for: spewing absolute nonsense in 280 characters or less with no repercussions (for the most part).
The minute Bezos dropped the news, people on Twitter immediately made their baseless conspiracy theories known.
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And while we don't have a finalanswer as to why Bezos made the move, we do have some pretty insane (okay, mostly silly) theories to fall back on in the meantime.
According to these tweets, Jeff Bezos is either off to become a superhero, or a super villain, or ... both? Paging DC Extended Universe.
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Believable because Bezos was probablybullied in high school (same, Jeff, same).
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I'm 100 percent sure Lizzo would like to be excluded from this narrative.
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Um? Humans?!I think Armie Hammer would like an invite.
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I hope he remembers to Amazon Prime some Scooby snacks.
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Does this mean Prime delivery drivers can stop carrying around empty Poland Spring bottles?
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I would also step down as CEO if it meant I got to roll around and maybe dive into my billions like some bald-headed Scrooge McDuck.
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An "MGM stonks movie" starring Jeff Bezos sounds very on brand for 2021. It better be included with Prime Video.
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Aaand ... this seems like a good one to end on. (Hello, Amazon Prime!)
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Jeff, if you're reading this: Feel free to reach out to me to confirm or deny any of these theories. Until then, I'm going to keep thinking 'bout how you left out my girl MacKenzie in your bye-bye note.
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Topics Amazon