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Viewing the Winter Olympics is ??? ????? ?????? ?????a deeply nerve-wracking experience.

Yeah, yeah, it's worse for the athletes who are actually in Pyeongchang. But you're not in Pyeongchang. You're sitting on your couch, eating the Valentine's Day candy that you bought on sale, and watching one figure skater fling another figure skater into the air.

Then, for one excruciating second, you're praying that the airborne skater and her foot-blades land back onto the ice gracefully. Sometimes she does. Sometimes she doesn't. And you never know which one it's going to be.

Very stressful!

Sure, you could "chill out" or "take things less seriously," but that's not what the Olympics are about. The Olympics are about developing a sudden patriotic devotion to athletes you have never heard of and who play sports you do not understand.

So we've devised a list of tips that will make your Olympics viewing experience just a little less taxing. Good luck.

1. If a commentator says one of the following sentences, leave the room immediately.

"History could be made tonight."

"This is the moment she's been waiting for since [insert year here]."

"There's nothing quite like Olympic pressure."

"This is it!"

"Here she goes."

Will you miss several key Olympic moments? Yes. Will you add several years to your life? Maybe!

2. Mute the TV.

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This is especially useful for figure skating: a sport that is so hard to do, it's pretty impossible to tell who's the best at it if you're not an expert. Who has the most pressure on them as they glide across the ice in their horrific knife shoes? If Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir aren't telling me, I have no idea! I'm just along for the ride. (Disclosure: I am so bad at ice-skating that I have used the cone as an adult.)

3. Try to do even one thing the athletes are doing.

If you're watching speed skating, a sport infamous for its gory injuries, try to just, like, bend your waist and put your hands behind your back like the skaters do. You don't have to put on bootblades or anything, just assume the speed skating stance. It sucks! Very annoying to do.

After you try this, you will so (rightfully) impressed with the speed skaters that virtually anythingthey do will make you overflow with pride. All the tension in your heart and stomach will dissipate. Everyone is a winner, even if they crash!

If you can't bring yourself to stand up, try waving gently like figure skaters do after their programs. This is not easy to accomplish without looking dumb, and somehow they do it every time.

4. Watch Ice Princess instead.

Starring Michelle Trachtenburg before she was even in Gossip Girl, this 2005 sporting drama tells the tale of a young woman torn between two worlds: academia and figure skating.

Now here's the amazing part: Ice Princess is rated G, not PG for "mild peril," so you know it's going to be a totally chill ride. Joan Cusack is also in it.

Enjoy your G-rated Olympics season.