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I do ??? ????? ????not believe crystals have healing powers, nor do I believe that they will help me achieve wellness ("wellness") through some kind of osmosis. But I do believe in carrying around mildly inconvenient items because they look pretty, and so I ended up with a thick 17-ounce glass water bottle with hunks of amethyst and rose quartz inside.

The bottle is made by VitaJuwel, a California-based company that sells a range of bottles, vials, and decanters with gems and crystals inside them. The receptacles come in 14 varieties of crystal, from "Fitness" (red jasper, magnesite, and clear quartz, $98) to "Diamonds" (diamonds, clear quartz, $330). One of them is a collaboration with Miranda Kerr, who famously puts crystals in her bra. It's a choose-your-own-shiny-rock extravaganza.

Regrettably, I requested the least expensive version, which is called "Wellness," costs $78, and contains a mix of amethyst, rose quartz, and clear quartz. According to claims from unidentified "experts," each stone is associated with different "virtues." Amethyst "stimulates the mind and soothes emotions," the product description reads. "Rose quartz fosters tranquility and harmony. Clear quartz is a stone for clarity and perception."

As a person living in 2019, this all sounded great. I couldn't wait to use my beautiful VitaJuwel, which looked like something Gwyneth Paltrow would give out as a low-tier favor at a Goop conference. More importantly (and shamefully), I couldn't wait to maintain an ironic distance from it.

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My first impression of the bottle was that it was heavy — it weighs over a pound — but since it's made of glass, that didn't come as a surprise. What did surprise me was the crystal insert, which was ensconced in glass like a snowglobe or tiny crystal Diglett. (You screw it into the bottle from the bottom.) Wait, I thought. The crystal doesn't even touch the water?

Seeking answers, I consulted the VitaJuwel website, which reassured me that it's actually preferable for the crystals not to touch the water, as this prevents the user from ingesting sediment. "Gemwater is made by the subtle radiation of the gems," it says. Thank god, I realized. No one wants to drink rocks.

Perhaps this is a good time to say that there's no evidence that crystals have any medical benefits. That's not to say it's open season on deriding them — they do provide a genuinely calming placebo effect for some people, and were an important part of spiritual healing practices all over the world well before the dawn of Big Wellness. But if you're sick, you should absolutely not sub in crystals for appropriate medical care.

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So the crystal water bottle was never going to cure my headaches or whatever. I didn't experience a positive placebo effect from drinking from it, either, probably because I was never convinced of its abilities in the first place. In fact, it didn't make me feel good at all, but this was my fault.

Throughout the entire week, I wanted to stop every person who saw me use my VitaJuwel and say "This is a joke and also for work. I did not actually buy this." Unfortunately, it would've been weirder for me to say that than do what I actually did, which was practically sprint back to my desk after each trip to the water fountain to avoid being spotted.

I would surmise, though, that very few people actually care whether crystals are present in my water bottle. They are too busy worrying about the crystals (or lack thereof) in their own water bottles, or perhaps more interesting problems entirely.

But as a water bottle, the VitaJuwel was fine. I say fine because the VitaJuwel is not the best water bottle if you define "water bottle" as "normal bottle to drink normal, non-Gem water from." The opening is a little too small to drop ice into, but it's not small enough to count as a narrow mouth, leaving you with a mid-sized hole that's awkward to drink from.

The bottle is thick glass, so it's heavy, too — especially with that crystal attachment. When I filled it up and put it in my backpack, I really feltit during my commute. I couldn't wait to take that backpack off.

And if you want your water to stay super cold, try an insulated bottle (like a Contigo or Hydro Flask) instead. By day seven, I was happy to return to my VSCO-girl approved workhorse.

Still, if you must have a crystal, the VitaJuwel is a better way to cart one around than keeping a rock in your underwear.