Mashable's new series Don't @ Me takes unpopular opinions and ??? ??? ??? ??? ??backs them up with...reasons.We all have our ways, but we may just convince you to change yours. And if not, chill.
Anne sees lights-on sex as a mirror, or a Möbius strip. The 24-year-old looks at her partner looking at her, looking at them looking at her...
This does not scare her. In fact, that's what makes lights-on sex hot in the first place.
Anne, who's an MFA student in New York, went on to tell me that lights-on sex has always been the norm for her. In a society heavily impacted by porn, it's easy to see why. Porn shows sex with the lights on, for obvious reasons.
"I didn’t think lights-off sex was necessarily real — I thought it was a teen-movie trope or a relic of the 50s," Anne said. "I watched porn from a young age and the majority of that is obviously lights-on."
Now, she sees lights-off sex as a turn off. It makes her feel like her partner does not want to see her body, as if they're doing some sort of shadowy activity.
My first sexual experiences were lights-on, so that's what I got used to.
I am in the same camp as Anne. My first sexual experiences were lights-on, so that's what I got used to. I also watch porn, and no matter whether it's a glossy production or home video taken on an iPhone 10, the lights have been on. Even many movie sex scenes are lights-on because frankly, we need to see what's going on!
So, I never balked at it. I enjoy seeing my partner's body; I would not be having sex with them otherwise. And I assume they feel the same way about me. I can easily see what I'm doing, and what they're doing, and it just adds to the hotness of it all.
Now, having sex with the lights off almost seems utilitarian, or like we both have something to hide.
As I had talked to others and had new partners, however, I soon learned that not everyone thought lights-on sex was hot. In fact, some seemed downright afraid of it.
Why "lights off" is the norm
While Anne and I have been comfortable with having sex with the lights on since our sexual awakening, many people have the opposite experience. Given our Puritan, body-image focused society, it's easy to deduce why.
"Having sex with the lights off can stem from several personal and societal factors," said Adina Mahalli, a certified relationship consultant and sexual health expert at Maple Holistics. These factors can range from body image struggles to societal taboos originating from religious beliefs.
"Sex is seen as a sin in Catholicism and sex in many religions is seen as something that shouldn’t be done recreationally. Shame in an act will make you not want to see well while participating in it," Mahalli continued.
Everything is on display.
Holistic sexuality coach Christie Federico explained that having the lights on adds an element of vulnerability to the act. Sex is vulnerable to begin with, and having the lights on can amplify those feelings. Everything is on display. Even eye contact during sex can make people uncomfortable.
"There's a fear of 'What will this person see if they look that deeply?'," Federico said, "A fear of not being good enough."
These are just some reasons why one might be hesitant to have lights-on sex. Frank, a 22-year-old software engineer in New Jersey, compared it to an old cheese or fermented fine wine. He said, "It is an acquired taste that needs not only getting used to but conscious pre-planning or thinking about." Frank said he liked having sex with the lights on when he was "proud" of himself and proud to be with his partner.
Given that having the lights on can amplify one's insecurities, having a supportive partner could help make it easier. That was the case for Alice, a grant writer from Oregon. "I started with lights-on sex when I met my current boyfriend, who is very into body worship and praise," she said. "I'm heavy, and I have some confidence issues, so I found it a little uncomfortable at first."
It can increase intimacy and connection with your partner — and can lead to better sex overall.
Alice's partner gave her compliments and "sweet talk" that she said "smoothed the transition" for her, and now she finds light-on sex empowering and loves to be seen.
And there are other benefits, too. It can increase intimacy and connection with your partner — and can lead to better sex overall. Mahalli noted that humans are visual creatures, and during sex you can go off of subconscious visual cues.
Also, plainly, you get to see your hot partner better with the lights on, and that is, uhh, hot.
That's one reason 22-year-old Sonia prefers lights-on sex. "I enjoy seeing my hot partners, and I like being seen by them in return," she said.
Tips for the lights-on sex novice
For those who want to feel that same level of empowerment and intimacy that lights-on sex can bring but are not sure where to start, here's some advice.
Start with the lights dimmed — not fully on, but not fully off either — or in natural light, so something like morning sex or an afternoon delight. "Dimmed light sex can set a more sensual mood than having the lights on full, while still allowing both parties to see everything that is going on," Mahalli said.
If you want to go a more woo-woo route, Federico suggested "eye gazing" or "soul gazing." Couples can sit or lie next to each other and stare into each other's eyes. This is an exercise aimed to make you more comfortable being seen, but with clothes on first.
SEE ALSO: 5 lessons I learned from hacking my sex lifeIf your hesitations have to do with body image issues, you may need to do separate work before embarking on a lights-on journey. There are a lot of ways this could be done, either on your own or with the help of a mental health professional.
Federico suggests spending more time lounging around naked to get comfortable with yourself and telling yourself positive affirmations. Something that's helped me is unfollowing social media accounts that cause me to compare my real-life body with someone's (often Photoshopped) photos; you can even replace them with more body-positive accounts if you'd like.
Ultimately, lights-on sex is something to try at least once.
The goal here is not to love yourself immediately; asking yourself to unlearn decades of body hate in an instant will backfire quickly. Take it slow. "A better goal than working toward loving every single inch of one's body is working toward simply accepting it as is, even if you don't love it," Federico said, "And remembering that your worth isn't determined by your appearance whatsoever."
Ultimately, lights-on sex is something to try at least once. If you are afraid — or if you have and you didn't like it — take a look and examine why. Is it because of your body-image? Is it because of awkwardness between you and your partner? The reason is probably beyond the bedroom entirely. It may take time to figure out and worth through but it may send ripples of benefits in your life — including but not most importantly improving the sex you have.
Doing it with the lights on might feel awkward at first — but sex, especially with a new partner, is naturally awkward sometimes. You are learning about your partner's body and they are learning yours, and it is not meant to be perfect.
"Lights on feels like an aid to the treasure hunt," Anne said. "Lights on feels like sharing. It feels like consent. It feels like bearing witness."
And, if you really want to, you can just close your eyes.
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